Reclaiming My Time

How the DOC almost broke me.

When they arrested my husband 7 years ago, they arrested me too. They knew I wasn’t selling drugs. Their CI never mentioned me. But I was an added bonus. We weren’t married at the time, so they could definitely use us against each other…and they did. He took a terrible plea deal because the number 1 promise of the plea was that all of my charges would be dropped immediately. He got 25 years in total: 10 in prison and then 15 more on probation once released. I know the word “bittersweet” is supposed to be used to describe this kind of “resolution,” but bitter and sweet just don’t sound intense enough to explain what I was feeling. And this was just the beginning.

I served 21 days in county jail. My charges were dropped and my husband was sentenced 5 months later and then he was shipped away to prison 2 months after that. By this point, I was numb. Deep down I was scared, sad, mad, defeated, and traumatized. But on the surface, I wiped my tears and I was fine. Time to fight. I knew I didn’t have time to be sad. I had shit to do. I refused to accept him being locked up for 10 years. And although my charges were by then dropped, I had already lost everything. I was now 25 years old with a Master’s degree, but no job, no car, no money, and a trafficking charge still on my background check, so yea, I went back home to my mommy (thank God for moms).

There was a point during this time when I had 3 jobs. That, coupled with writing letters as often as possible, driving hours every weekend for visitation, constantly calling the parole board, prison “counselors” and anybody else I could get on the phone, I didn’t have time for anything else. And I liked it that way. I spent all day avoiding the sadness and fear and guilt I was dealing with everyday because I was “free” and my husband was incarcerated. There was no time to address and deal with my feelings of resentment that I refused to admit that I had toward my husband. There was no time to heal from my own traumatic incarceration situation. I was on a mission. Get my life back together, get Teddy out of prison. That’s it. Everything else can wait.

And I did. 40 months and 1 day after we were arrested, he came home. And I CRASHED! All of the feelings I’d been pushing away, showed up and showed out! What was supposed to be a joyous time, ended up being the most trying time in our entire relationship, incarceration included. He discovered I wasn’t as “great” as I’d been saying I was all these years. And I discovered just how “hard” prison made him. We were both so broken.

Thankfully, almost 4 years post incarceration, we’ve finally put ourselves back together. When I reflect on our journey with a now clearer mind, I realize exactly where I went wrong. I poured so much into my husband while he was incarcerated that I left nothing for myself. I thought I was fine because I was “free.” But I wasn’t fine. And I know now, that is ok.

When your loved one is incarcerated, there is a part of you that is incarcerated as well. It sounds cliché, but it’s true. Just as they will need to heal from the experience, so will you.